


Luminous

by OrionRedde, Shyrstyne



Series: Cometverse [59]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Dysphoria, F/F, Non-binary Xion, Pre-Relationship, fantasy style dysphoria?, it's xion so, love as a platonic word
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-20 14:27:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19993717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrionRedde/pseuds/OrionRedde, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shyrstyne/pseuds/Shyrstyne
Summary: Xion visits Namine and Haru a lot. It should be getting easier, not harder, right?





	Luminous

**Author's Note:**

> so i am putting this under f/f, because while xion is nonbinary, they do hold ties to their feminity too, and doesn't entirely mind the feminine label; neutral just fit them *better*. This is in contrast to comet, who eschews everything under the binary (which is why none of their dates with lea or isa are marked as m/f), and feels very much no connection to their assigned gender.
> 
> there are many ways to be nonbinary! these are just two, i just thought i'd put this here in case anybody was confused by my labelling choices :)

Whenever Xion finds themself at Naminé’s door, they always find themself struck by nerves. 

More often than not Kaze or Dilan will find them at the doorway, hand raised as if to knock but stalled mid movement. Kaze would smile knowingly and invite them in, offering tea or snacks. Dilan will usually merely step aside to let them pass. Xion is never quite sure about how they feel about Dilan, their minimal interaction in the organization had been… not as antagonistic as some, but as though they were beneath his notice. He doesn’t seem to know how to act around them now, maintaining a cool if awkward distance around them. 

Naminé likes him, oddly enough, so Xion supposes he must have something good about him that they simply haven’t seen yet. They’re glad though, Dilan has all but moved in with Kaze, and the last thing Xion wants is for Naminé to feel uncomfortable in her new home. 

Though they don’t think Kaze would stand for that either, if they’re being honest. Kaze would sooner call off her relationship than hurt the kids dependant on her. 

But it doesn’t come to that, Naminé and Haru seem perfectly comfortable with Dilan and that’s all that matters. 

Today Xion takes the longer, more scenic route to Kaze’s. There’s a bridge over a small river they like to stop at sometimes. The sound of running water is calming, especially when something has been bothering them. 

The hop onto the railing and look down into the water, noting the frown crossing their face. 

Or several somethings. 

“It’s not just me, right?” They ask their reflection. It offers no answer. “He worries about everyone.”

They close their eyes, thinking of Roxas, how frustrating he’d been lately. It was like he didn’t think they could take care of themselves sometimes. Always fretting over the smallest of things. He’s their best friend, but sometimes they wish he would back off a little.

When they open their eyes, blond hair and blue eyes are looking back. 

They jerk back with a gasp, losing their balance and falling off the railing into the shallow creek. They cough and spit up water angrily, frustrated tears welling in their eyes. They’d come here to feel better, and now they’re wet and miserable on top of everything else.

They pull on a short bang, tugging it in front of their eyes. 

Black. 

“I’m me.” They say quietly, tremulously. “No one else.”

The only answer is the babble of the brook around them. They restrain a sniffle. 

“It’s not even a Bad Day…” They lament. “I just wanted to take a nice walk and then see my friends.”

Water seeps into their clothing and shoes, but they can’t seem to make themself move. 

“Xion?” A voice calls, and Xion looks up to meet Dilans confused gaze. He had been coming up the path, stopping as he’d rounded a corner and spotted them. They blush, keenly aware that they’re still sitting waist deep in water. 

“What… are you doing?” He asks slowly. 

His eyes show a concern they had never seen in him as Xaldin, their purple hues once distant and cold. Now they hold life and emotion, a worry for their wellbeing that almost feels strange. 

“... I fell.” They answer at length, quietly. He tilts his head, but after a moment sets down the bags he had been carrying, groceries by the looks of them, and steps into the water to help them up. 

“It’s- it’s okay you don’t have to-“ they try to deflect, but by that point he’s already lifted them up by one arm and started leading them back towards the path and dry land. 

“Were you coming to visit?” He asks, and Xion nods. 

He grunts quietly and then shrugs off his jacket, draping it over Xion’s damp shoulders before leaning down to pick up his bags and continuing down the path. 

Xion stares after him, dwarfed by his large jacket, and eventually he pauses to glance back at them. 

“Are you coming?”

“Oh. Yes!” They answer, jogging to catch up to his long strides. They walk in silence for a while. 

“Something is bothering you.” He says, somehow making it sound like it’s not a question. Xion bites their lip uncertainly. 

“I don’t expect you to share it with me.” He continues without an answer. “But I recommend you speak with someone. Your guardians perhaps.”

“I don’t think they’d understand.” They say. Not this, though they’d try. They don’t think anyone could really understand  _ this _ . The constant fear that you might turn into someone else by accident.

“Then someone else.” He says. Xion shrugs, and they lapse back into silence the remainder of the trip. 

Dilan holds the door open for them despite his hands being full, and then disappears into the kitchen to unload. Xion peels off and makes their way upstairs, leaving their wet shoes near the door. They’re not sopping wet anymore, but they’re still a little damp and decide to keep Dilans jacket for the moment, since he hasn’t asked for it back. 

The door to Naminé and Haru’s room is closed, and Xion finds themself paralysed by anxiety once more. 

They don’t understand why, if they're being honest with themself. Naminé has ever been a good friend to them. She would never judge them for.. whatever this is. They have similar difficulties with Bad Days. They know they have Naminé’s support.

But lately it’s like they want more and less all at the same time, making them uncertain and anxious. 

The lift their hand and knock. 

There’s a shuffle and a clatter, and moments later the door opens just a sliver, revealing Haru peeking through the crack at them. 

He brightens when he sees them, opening the door more as he turns to speak to Naminé inside. 

“It’s Xion.” He says. 

“Oh, perfect!” Xion hears an exuberant happiness in Naminé’s voice and the light clap of hands. Haru opens the door just enough for them to squeeze in and then shut the door behind them quickly. 

“Is something happening?” They ask, thrown by the pairs unexpectedly reclusive behaviour. 

Haru makes an uncertain gesture at them, shrugging at Naminé, who merely smiles brightly. 

Xion feels like the whole world lights up at the sight of Naminé’s smile, like their troubles are suddenly so much smaller and farther away. What does Roxas’ overprotectiveness matter when she’s so happy?

“Come here.” Naminé beckons, patting the bedside next to her, and Xion moves forward as if on a magnetic pull. Naminé brings up her knees, sketchbook resting open on her lap to an open page. 

“Watch.” Naminé says, and then starts to draw, face pressed close and concentrating hard. Xion takes a moment to appreciate the tongue poking out of the corner of her mouth adorably before glancing at Haru. 

He just smiles mysteriously, lifting a finger to his lips. Xion returns their gaze to Naminé to wait. 

There’s a few moments of silence, but it’s not awkward as they wait for Naminé to finish. They don’t mind the free excuse to just.. observe. 

Her brows furrow in concentration, impossibly bright blue eyes focused entirely on what she’s making. Golden blond hair is tied back, held in place by a spotted blue and white ribbon that Xion remembers having given her months ago as a gift.

Xion’s heart skips a beat. 

They’re so focused that for a moment they don’t register the soft light that starts to gather on the edge of Naminé’s sketchbook. It finally draws their attention as it grows brighter and brighter, and then starts to coalesce into an almost solid form. 

The light tightens, and then disperses suddenly, and Naminé leans back with a sharp exhale, looking exhausted. 

On the tip of her sketchbook rests a butterfly. 

It doesn’t move, merely rests, the brilliant blue of its wings reflecting the light from the window in a kaleidoscope of colours and patterns. 

“What- how did you do that?” Xion let’s the naked awe enter their voice, reaching toward it but not quite touching. 

“It’s not real, just a recreation of a memory.” Naminé says, wiping sweat from her temple, smiling with satisfaction.

“It looks so real.” Xion says. “That’s amazing, Naminé!”

Naminé flushes and smiles, pleased. 

“Can I touch it?” They ask, and Haru shakes his head. 

“They’ve just scattered whenever we touch them so far, but we only just discovered this today, so who knows what she can do with it.”

Naminé pulls the sketchbook close to her chest, smiling softly. 

“I don’t know yet… but it won’t be to hurt. Never again.”

Xion wants to reach out and take her hand, to assure her that won’t ever happen again, but suddenly they worry that might be too forward. 

(Too forward for what, though…?)

Naminé sighs and sets her sketchbook aside, the butterfly dissipating into soft motes of light as it hits the covers. She leans back. 

“Is it hard?” Xion asks. Naminé hums. 

“Not so much. I really have to focus, and I’m always tired after, but it’s not especially difficult.” She says. “I’m glad you’re here today, I really wanted to show you.”

She smiles, and Xion returns it just as brightly, feeling everything grow warm from the inside out. 

“So what’s with the jacket?” Haru asks, and Xion glances down, having totally forgotten they were wearing it. 

“Oh. I fell in the river and Dilan lent it to me.”

He laughs. 

“How did you end up falling into the river?”

Xion shrugs, suddenly embarrassed, looking away. Naminé leans over curiously trying to look them in the eye. 

“What’s wrong?” She asks. Xion shrugs. 

“Nothing.” Xion just looks further away, face burning. They catch a glance of Naminé’s worried blue eyes and then squeezes their own shut, suddenly terrified what colour they might be. 

“You’re a bad liar.” Haru frowns. “Seriously, what’s up?”

“I don’t want to bring everything down.” Xion admits. “You discovered something new and amazing! That’s way better.”

Naminé shakes her head sharply. 

“My discovery will still be there later, Xion what’s wrong?”

Xion blinks back tears at her sincerity. 

“I was looking into the water and I saw Roxas instead of me.” The words come out like water from a damn. They swallow thickly. “Even though I’m supposed to be my own person now, I’m… I’m so scared it’s all going to fall apart again, that I’m still stealing from the people around me. Even now I’m still just Kairi in different colours.”

“You’re not.” Haru says resolutely. “You’re still you, no matter what you look like.”

“I thought so, or I was trying to think so, but if the way I look is- is doing that again, what if what’s inside is doing that too?” They clutch the edges of the jacket tighter. 

Naminé gnaws on her lip. 

“.....do you want me to check?” She offers hesitantly, prompting Xion to look up in surprise. 

Naminé hadn’t touched another persons heart or memories since returning, and Xion knew all too well how much she didn’t want to ever again. 

“I can’t make you do that.”

“I would, for you.” Naminé reaches out to rest her hand against one of Xion’s, still fisted in the fabric of Dilans jacket. 

Xion shakes their head. 

“No, I won’t make you. I’ll figure out.. whatever this is.”

“What were you thinking, when it happened?” Haru asks. 

“Roxas.” They answer, not quite able to keep the hard note out of their voice. 

“Did something happen?” Naminé asks, and Xion shrugs. 

“Nothing new, he’s just.. hovering. We have all these adventures but sometimes I feel like he doesn’t want me to do anything ever in case I get hurt.” Xion snorts. “I love him but I had to get Hayner to drag him off so I could get away for a bit.”

Haru coughs awkwardly. Xion's not entirely sure why, though they remember Hayner had been unusually excited at the prospect when they'd brought up distracting Roxas.

“Anyway it’s not a big deal but it’s been kind of annoying lately.” Xion continues. Naminé looks doubtful, but doesn’t push it. 

“May I try something?” She asks, tugging on Xion’s hand so their fingers twine. Xion nods. 

“What do you  _ want _ to look like?”

“I- I don’t know. It changes.” Xion says, caught off guard by the question 

“Right now, then.” 

Xion takes a moment to think. 

“I just.. I don’t want to look like Roxas, or Sora, or even Kairi. But I don’t know what that is.”

“Maybe if your hair was longer? You could put it up in fancy braids like you do with mine and Haru’s.” Naminé offers.

“That would be nice.” Xion admits. “But my hair hasn’t grown at all since we came back.”

“Just humour me for a bit, alright? Don’t think about whether or not it’s possible, just tell us what you’d like. What about your face? Eyes? Body?”

Xion gnaws on their lip, tentative. 

“I think I’d want my eyes a different colour. Roxas and Sora both have the same shade and sometimes when I look in the mirror all I see is blue and I- it startles me, thinking I’m seeing someone else.”

“What colour?”

They feel the jacket draped over them shift and it makes them think of Dilan’s earlier kindness, how his hair and eyes had complimented each other. 

“Purple, a dark purple.”

“Anything else?”

Xion hums thoughtfully. 

“No, not right now. Like I said, it changes.”

“Okay.” Naminé turns on the bed to face Xion fully, legs crossed and pulling Xion’s hands to rest in her lap. “Close your eyes and imagine it for me. As clearly as you can.”

They do, not even bothering to question where Naminé might be going with this. 

There is silence for a moment. Naminé hums thoughtfully. 

“Try focusing on how it feels, change it if you have to. Keep the image clear.”

They do, trusting Naminé implicitly. 

They hear Haru gasp softly. 

Their eyes blink open, and they’re confused until Haru reaches into a drawer for a small mirror. 

Their hair is longer, their eyes are purple. Even as they look their eyes fill with tears. 

“How-? Did you-?” They stammer, but Naminé just shakes her head. 

“I didn’t do anything, I just had a suspicion that turned out to be correct. How does it feel?”

They look into the mirror again. 

“It feels good. Can I do it again?”

“Probably, though you shouldn’t do it too often until you’ve gotten the hang of it.” Haru offers. “If it’s anything like Naminé’s, it’s probably tiring.”

They nod, already feeling strangely exhausted from the small changes they’d made to themself. 

Anxiety grips them suddenly. 

“What if Roxas doesn’t recognize me? Or Lea or Comet or Isa?”

“Your hair is only a couple inches longer and depending on the light they might not even notice at first.”

“You should tell them though, if you ever want to make bigger changes though.” Naminé adds. 

“I will, I just…” They curl up. 

“It’s a lot?” Haru intuits, and they nod. 

“Yeah.” They look up to meet his gaze. “I’m sorry.”

“What for?” He blinks. 

“I can change myself like this, but I know you.. you tried so hard to get away from being seen as Riku…”

He laughs. 

“I’m not Riku. I don’t care that I look like him.”

“You don’t?” The notion is almost strange to Xion. 

“Nah. That’s not a part that ever really mattered to me.” After he'd grown his hair out almost no one ever mistook one for the other any more. That seemed to be enough for him.

“But it  _ does _ matter to you, Xion.” Naminé says, hands still holding Xion’s. “And that’s okay too.”

They feel soft skin peppered with flecks of paint between their fingers. 

“Yeah.” They say hesitantly. “I guess I just… sometimes I feel like the glass like Myde calls me. Like I might break if I push too hard.”

“Glass is strong too. More than you’d think.” Haru says. Naminé tilts her head.

“You’re the Glass.” She says. Xion nods.

“Of course.” Naminé giggles to herself. “I should have realised.”

Naminé leans over to reach into her bedside drawer, not letting go of Xion’s hand. Xion finds themself distracted by it, watching the contrasting colours of their twined fingers.

A moment later something is pushed into their vision, held in Naminé’s other hand.

“Here, this is for you.” She says with a smile, and Xion reaches with their free hand to take it.

It’s a shell, black and twisting, covered in tiny glowing flecks, almost like paint. It’s beautiful.

“Thank you.” They whisper, turning it over and inspecting it. “This is beautiful, I love it.”

“I’m glad.” Naminé’s smile grows brighter.

Xion clutches the shell to their chest, feelings rushing about their head like a maelstrom.

“You okay?” Haru asks. Xion blinks suddenly wet eyes.

“I’m okay.” They assure. “I love it. I’m okay.”

It’s okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> oh my god we introduced that shell *30* parts ago i swear i didn't mean for it to take this long to come up again XD


End file.
